Sleeping Hitokiri
by Katsu
Summary: I torment the cast of Rurouni Kenshin...again. ^^


Sleeping Hitokiri

# Sleeping Hitokiri

***Cast***

**Katsu no Miko**--A psychotic girl, unfortunatly in possession of the all powerful Keyboard Of Doom (tm), who appears only as the Voice Of God after the intro, cast as nothing, because she is the all-powerful DIRECTOR. (KNM) 

**Kenshin**--A helpless Rurouni, unwillingly controlled by said Keyboard Of Doom (tm), cast in the title role of 'Sleeping Hitokiri' (KEN) 

**Sanosuke**--The master of Futae no Kiwami, unwillingly controlled by said Keyboard Of Doom (tm), cast as the Red Fairy Godmother. (SANO) 

**Kaoru**--The master of Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, unwillingly controlled by said Keyboard Of Doom (tm), cast as the Evil Queen. (KAO) 

**Yahiko**--A brat, unwillingly controlled by said Keyboard Of Doom (tm), cast as the Green Fairy Godmother. (YAH) 

**Aoshi**--A Ninja, notable for his complete lack of personality, unwillingly controlled by the Keyboard of Doom (tm), cast as Prince Charming. (AOS) 

**Misao**--A Ninja, and also the Queen of Hyperactivity, unwillingly controlled by the Keyboard of Doom (tm), cast as the Blue Fairy Godmother. (MIS) 

And, last and most important: 

**Saitou**--A complete badass and the epitome of coolness, NOT controlled by the Keyboard Of Doom(tm), since NO ONE controls Mibu no Ookami, but rather continuing in these plays because he enjoys watching the Kenshin-Gumi being humiliated, cast as the Big Bad Wolf, of course ignoring the fact that there IS no Big Bad Wolf in Sleeping Beauty. 

and 

**Joketsu**--Saitou's sidekick for this particular story, not controlled by the Keyboard of Doom (tm), and notably confused as hell about all of this. (JO) 

***Intro***

_KNM is seated behind her huge metal desk with the Keyboard of Doom (tm) in front of her. She is cackling in her special, evil manner. SANO, KEN, KAO, and YAH are all slumped in chairs, waiting for the bell to toll, as it were. AOS and MIS are seated in front of KNM, looking quite bewildered, having just signed two contracts without reading them fully, and not really understanding why the rest of the cast is acting as if they have just signed their own death warrants. SAI is leaning against the wall, smoking his habitual cigarette._

KNM: (_cackles some more_) Alright, my lovelies, ready for the next installment in the Rurouni Kenshin Fairy Tales Series? 

SANO, YAH, KEN, KAO: No. 

KNM: Not exactly the reaction I was looking for... 

SANO: Well, whaddya want! You're making as act in stupid plays! You made ME wear a dress! 

KNM: (_Narrows eyes_) How rude of you to call my plays stupid. Just for that, I'm changing your role. (_SANO blanches, and KNM smirks_) 

MIS: Ano...what is going on? You told me that this was the signup for a cruise for two! 

KNM: It is. You get the cruise after you've completed your contract. 

MIS: Yay! Aoshi-sama, did you hear that??? A cruise! Isn't that ROMANTIC???? 

AOS: ... 

KEN: (_muttering_) Should someone tell them how many plays are in the series de gozaru yo? 

KAO: (_also muttering_) No. We'll let them find out for themselves. I don't want to be the one to make Misao cry. 

KNM: (_glances at SAI_) I've changed the plot slightly, but I think that it's for the best. Saitou-san...for this one, you'll have a sidekick. Is that ok with you? 

SAI: (_raises eyebrow, puffs cigarette_) It depends on who you are planning to make my...sidekick. 

KNM: (_smiles_) I think you'll like this one. (_She taps a few keys on the Keyboard of Doom (tm) and JO appears in the middle of the floor holding a bowl and a set of chopsticks, and looking completely bewildered._) Does she meet with your approval, Saitou-san? 

SAI: Hai. Joketsu...it's been a while. [_Just to explain, Jo is my character that knows Saitou, from a story that I have yet to make available to the general public, but lets suffice to say that they got along like a house afire._] 

JO: (_blinks, slurps in the noodle that is half hanging out of her mouth, and sets the bowl and chopsticks down on KNM's desk._) Hai. New assignment? 

SAI: You could say that. We will find out what in a moment. 

JO: Ah. (_walks over to Saitou and leans on the wall next to him. She shoots a murderous gaze at the Kenshin Gumi, who shrink in their seats._) 

KNM: Ok, no questions then? Alrighty, time for the scripts. Sano, Yahiko, and Misao, the three of you are the Fairy Godmothers. You can fight it out amongst yourselves which color you get. 

SANO: FAIRY GODMOTHER???? 

KNM: Quit your whining. I had you cast as the Prince until you insulted me...and in fact, you might like this role a little better than that of the Prince, since you don't have to kiss Kenshin. Or perhaps, were you looking forward to that? 

SANO: (_falls silent_) 

KEN: I'm the princess???? 

KNM: Of course. You're probably the prettiest, most effeminate person out of the bunch. 

KAO and MIS: WHAT???? 

KEN: Oroooooo.... 

KNM: (_smirks_) Continuing right along...Kaoru, you're the Evil Queen. 

YAH: (_laughs loudly_) 

KAO: (_hits YAH. YAH falls over with a soft 'erk'_) 

KNM: (_clears throat_) And last, Aoshi is Prince Charming. 

AOS: (_looks shocked_) ... 

MIS: NANI??? If my Aoshi-sama is Prince Charming, I should be thr Princess! 

KNM: Too bad. Read your contracts. I have final say in what role you are cast in. 

MIS: NO WAY! 

KNM: Sit down and shut up. Thank you. We're behind schedule. 

MIS: Kowai... 

AOS: ... 

KEN: Orooooooooooooooo.... 

***Scene I***

(_Once again, we are in the familiar setting of the Kamiya Dojo. KNM steps out center stage and clears her throat_) 

KNM: Ahem. Thank you. Since we can't exactly regress Kenshin to babyhood for the first part...well, actually, I could, but I'm not sure if I could age him back, so I'd better not, we will simply gloss over the earlier portions of the show and give you the basics of what happened. So, to continue. Kenshin was a beautiful little baby girl born to the King and Queen of whatever country we're in. At her birth, three fairy godmothers came to bless her. 

YAH and MIS: (_shuffle out onto stage, MIS in a blue dress, YAH in a green one. YAH looks extremely mad._) 

KNM: Ok, where's the Red Fairy Godmother? 

MIS: He won't come out. He's hiding in the closet. 

KNM: (_sighs in a long suffering manner_) Do we have to do this EVERY time??? (_she stalks back stage. You can still hear her voice_) Sanosuke, come out of the closet and get your sorry, skinny ass out onto stage. I'm really getting tired of this thing you have against cross dressing. 

SANO: Go to hell! 

KNM: Been there, and they don't want me back because Enma-sama is afraid I'll take over. Do I have to help you get undressed again? 

SANO: (_terrified_) NO! 

KNM: Then put on the red dress and get a wiggle on. 

SANO: No way!!! 

KNM: Fine, you leave me no choice. (_there is the sound of a door being battered down, the ripping of clothing, and SANO's terrified, girly screams, which quiet down eventually. Twenty minutes later, SANO is pushed out onto stage, wearing a pretty red dress and a scowl. KNM walks out onto stage, smirking._) Fix your breasts, Sano, they're a bit sideways. 

SANO: (_blushes and turns his back to fix the problem_) 

KNM: (_muttering_) Gawd, you can't find good help these days. (_speaking back up_) Anyways...the three good gairy godmothers blessed Kenshin, one with beauty, and the other with a kick ass sword technique. But then, before the third fiary godmother could make her blessing, , the evil fairy godmother showed up. (_KAO steps reluctantly out on stage, dressed in an utterly ridiculous horned crown. YAH starts snickering until MIS embeds her fist into the top of his head_) She laid a curse on Kenshin, saying that when she reached the age of...(_pauses_) Yo! Kenshin! How old are you! 

KEN: (_pokes his head out. A small tiara perches on his hair, and he's wearing diamond earings and lipstick. He blushes at the looks the rest of the cast gives him_) I'm twenty eight, de gozaru yo. 

KAO: (_big eyes_) He cross dresses so well... 

MIS: (_also big eyes_) No kidding. It worries me. What if my Aoshi-sama LIKES kissing him? 

KAO: Misao-chan... 

AOS: ... 

KNM: 28??? That old??? 

KEN: How rude. 

KNM: Anyways...saying that when she turned 28, she'd...uh...be hit with a bokken and die. So the last Fairy Godmother used her blessing to change it, so that Kenshin would only fall into a deep sleep, which would be broken as soon as she was kissed by a prince. Though no one noticed, being too dense to do so, there were two more surprise guests at the birth... (_A spotlight suddenly lights up, revealing SAI and JO leaning against the wall._) They were two very powerful predators, wolves, and since they knew that they held all the real power, they had only one reaction to all the goings on... 

SAI: Ahou. 

JO: Hai. 

KNM: (_grins_) And now it is Kenshin's 28th birthday, the time the curse will come true. And now you know the rest of the story. 

(_long pause_) 

KNM: What are you lot standing around for? Get a move on! Scene two! (_muttering_) Geeze.... 

***Scene II***

(_The Kamiya Dojo once more, this time seemingly empty._) 

KNM: (_having firmly taken her position as Voice of God [or someone a bit lower...] now_) Ok, it is now Kenshin's 28th birthday. Action! 

KEN: (_shuffles out into the courtyard type thing_) 

KNM: Kenshin, baby, can you get into the part a little more? You might not like being here...but you might as well do things well. 

KEN: Hai. (_he begins mincing_) 

KNM: ***sweatdrop*** (_mutter_) Now you seem to be getting into the part a little too much... 

JO: (_seated comfortably on the roof of the Dojo, looking as if it's the most natural thing in the world._) I can't believe this. Does it happen often, Saitou-san? 

SAI: (_seated next to her, comfortably smoking, and being cool_) Hai. Too often. 

JO: (_mutter_) This is the guy that beat Shishio...I can't believe it... 

SAI: Wait until you see the rest of his little group. 

JO: Yare yare... 

KEN: (_stops mincing, and stands there, looking pretty. He glances up at the sky._) 

KNM: You're fine, Kenshin. Kaoru! Move it! 

KAO: (_reluctantly slinks out onto stage, still wearing the ridiculous horned crown_) 

KNM: Oh, stop being such a baby, will ya? Hit Kenshin over the head, and you can go have a coffee break until the last scene, ok? (_mutter_) If we get that far. 

KAO: Hai. (_grabs bokken, and smacks Kenshin in the back of the head with it. Kenshin lands on the ground in an undignified, unconscious heap._) 

KNM: (_overly patient voice_) Laugh now. 

KAO: Ha ha ha. 

KNM: Put some feeling in it!

KAO: (_looks a little scared_) Eh heh heh heh heh... 

KNM: Agh! I can't handle this! Just go. Go. Shoo. Geeeeze. 

KAO: (_skitters offstage_) 

SANO: (_on cue for once, shuffles over to Kenshin, in the manner of someone who is acquiring a major wedgie from the underwear he is being forced to wear._) Oh no, looks like the curse came true. (_pauses to think of lines_) 

JO: Is this guy for real? 

SAI: Unfortunately, yes. 

SANO: (_remembers line_) I will use my magic to save you, Kenshin, and put you into a deep sleep, until some guy comes and kisses ya. (_someone hands him a prop wand, and he waves it around a couple times._) There. All fixed. Whatever. (_glances up at the sky, the perfect picture of a cowed man._) 

KNM: Very good. Time for scene 3...oh, and Sano...we won't need you for the rest of the play. Go ahead and take a nice break. 

SANO: Miko-san? 

KNM: Yes? 

SANO: The garters you're making me wear are riding up really bad. Will you molest me again if I change? 

KNM: Most likely. 

SANO: Oh...that's ok then. (_he grins, and trots off stage._) 

JO: (_drops cigarette she was trying to light_) TELL ME I didn't just see that, Saitou-san. 

SAI: I only wish that I could. Ahou. 

JO: Hai... 

***Scene III***

(_Kenshin is now ensconced in what appears to be a large glass aquarium, with flowers all over it_) 

KNM: Do you guys EVER get your cues? 

AOS: (_offstage_) ... 

KNM: What was that? 

AOS: ... 

KNM: What? 

MIS: (_offstage_) He SAYS he'll be out in just a minute! This stupid cloak thing got caught on one of Kaoru's horns! 

YAH: (_offstage_) Expect stupid Kaoru to prolong this torture! 

KAO: (_offstage_) WHAT? 

YAHO: (_there is a loud crack._) Erk. (_muffled thud_) 

MIS: He's unhooked now, Miko-san! Ara...Yahiko, wake up! We need to go onstage! 

Jo: ... 

SAI: ... 

KNM: (_long suffering sigh_) Just come on without him. Now would be a good time.

MIS: Hai! (_comes onstage, dragging AOS with her. AOS is dressed in a ridiculous fur cape. He has an aluminum foil sword._) 

AOS: ... 

KNM: Misao, you have lines, you know? Lines. 

MIS: (_pats her skirt, then runs backstage and comes back out with a copy of the script_) Here, Handsome Prince! Here is the sleeping princess I told you about! All you have to do is kiss her! (_a bit too enthusiastic._) 

AOS: ... 

KNM: What? 

MIS: He said 'Yes, she's beautiful, I'll kiss her!' 

KNM: I somehow doubt he put the exclamation point on.... 

(_long pause_) 

KNM: Aoshi. 

AOS: (_looks up_) 

KNM: You are missing your cue. 

AOS: (_edges toward Kenshin in a vague fashion. There is a displeased rumble from the sky, and he edges a little closer_) 

KEN: ***sneezes***

KNM: Oh, for heaven's sake... 

KEN: Miko-san? These flowers are inflaming my hay fever...and my nose itches...and I'm getting a cramp in my neck...can I please move? 

KNM: No. Just lay there and look pretty. 

JO: (_closes her eyes with a pained expression on her face._) I can't believe this. Why are we even here? 

SAI: Entertainment, while we wait for the Miko to get finished and provide us with dinner. 

JO: Ah... 

KNM: Aoshi. Move it. 

AOS: (_edges slightly closer, then a little closer still. Edge, pause, edge, pause...until he's right next to the aquarium. He slowly bends over, until he's hovering about a foot about Kenshin's face. He just stops there._) 

KNM: Well? 

AOS: ***sweatdrop***

KEN: (_wiggles nose, trying to hold off sneeze_) 

KNM: Well? 

AOS: ***bigger sweatdrop***

JO: Saitou-san? Do you think the miko would be upset if I put them out of their misery? 

SAI: I doubt it. (_flicks cigarette butt away, lights another._) It would probably come as a relief. I can't imagine how she stands such incompitants, unless she finds it amusing to watch them fumble. 

JO: (_stands up, and slides silently down the roof, hopping to the ground. Saitou follows her._) I think this acting has become "Aku" 

SAI: Hai. 

JO: (_draws sword. SAI draws his as well. They seemingly [stage death and all that...never real.] kill AOS._) 

AOS: ... (_dies_) 

JO: (_flicks blood off sword blade._) 

KNM: From a darkness that will never see the sun, the fangs of 'Kill Evil Instantly' stab...I've always wanted to say that. 

JO: (_glances at KEN. MIS is busy moaning over her 'dead' Aoshi-sama_) What about him. Her. ***sweatdrop*** It. 

SAI: Let him rest in peace. 

JO: (_nods_) Want to go for some soba? 

SAI: Hai. (_exits with Jo, after glancing at the sky to let KNM know she can come along if she likes_) 

KNM: And thus, the land was restored to its rightful state by the noble wolves. Fin`e (_get the feeling that she leaves, presumably to go have soba with Saitou and Jo._) 

MIS: (_drags her Aoshi-sama offstage_) 

(_stage lights go off_) 

KEN: Miko-san? Can I move yet? (_long pause_) Hello? Miko-san? 

THE END


End file.
